I realized something last night. I’m changing…a lot.

Sarcasm, always something I enjoy, has become a defense mechanism for me. I use it to hold people at arm’s length, to dismiss comments and compliments, to keep anyone from getting too close.

I used to laugh so much more than I do now. I used to be hyper and happy, despite struggling with depression. Now…I just feel tired. Instead of laughing at things, I merely smile or give a single soft “ha.” I find myself daydreaming more and more, seeking escape. I study, but have trouble focusing. I know that studying will help me acheive my goals of teaching and everything, but at the moment I am having trouble caring. I force myself, but my heart just isn’t in it… It’s not depression exactly. I feel disconnected. (Except for children. Around children, it’s like I’ve come back to life and feel that joy that I’m missing elsewhere.) I struggle to find other things in my life beyond school, things to give me more meaning. I have things I’m good at and enjoy, but they feel empty of meaning.

I feel alone. I know that I need to be able to face the world by myself, to be able to stand on my own, but I don’t want to. I want to face the world with someone by my side, I want to stand WITH someone, supporting each other. And I worry that until I can get past that soul deep desire, I won’t be able to have it.

I feel so much older than I am. I feel tired and drained and bitter and walled up. I find myself not trusting people, not trusting them to care, and holding myself apart from them despite the fact that I desperately want to make those friendships and more. But the past pain that’s still healing keeps me from getting close…regardless of who they are. 

My faith is still there, stronger than ever. I believe in God more than I ever have. I still feel as though my prayers are getting through. I just feel like it’s a different person praying now than in the past.

I used to believe, despite everything else, that I was going to find a fairy tale, find that great love, that soulmate. Now, though, despite the fact that my faith is stronger than ever, and my beliefs are more concrete…I find myself bitter and jaded and cynical. I don’t believe in fairy tales anymore. I don’t believe that I’m going to find that true love, and I refuse to settle for anything less.

Most of all, I am tired. I am so extremely tired of this being all there is…