Lately, I’ve been feeling a bit lonely. I’m the only female my age at a lot of Baha’i functions. There are several guys my age who show up, but they have formed a tightly knit group that is hard to access. It’s like looking at the Three Musketeers, only they’re modern young Persian guys who play basketball instead of sword fighting. I’m semi-included at events, but feel completely excluded outside of them.
They’re very nice guys, and people that I have some common ground with. I’ve never had a problem having friends of either gender, so I was hoping to possibly make some. I broached the thing that had been bothering me, feeling excluded, with one of them last night, and he said something that made me really frustrated.
He said that he just figured we didn’t have any similar interests/activities outside of the Faith. Now, just from the conversations we’ve had, I know this is untrue. And when he asked what I enjoyed doing, hey! I discovered that we do enjoy a lot of similar things.
What pisses me off is that he took what he’d seen in a limited group atmosphere or heard from other people who sort of know me, and he had assumed that that’s all there was to me. Everyone behaves differently at religious functions, no matter how casual. And I’m more quiet in large groups than I am in smaller ones. More shy. I would have thought that someone who has said that you shouldn’t take people at face value would live by that statement.
A year ago, I would have been hurt. I would have thought that there’s something wrong with me. And I was hurt for a moment, but then I realized something. I have friends covering almost every type of person there is. I’ve always gotten along with almost everyone. I have tons of different layers, and I can find something in common with pretty much anyone I meet. So this isn’t about me. I’m fine. This is about the fact that some people refuse to look beyond the initial impressions to see who’s really there. Snap judgements without questions. Judging a book by its cover.
People do this all the time. Hell, I’ve been guilty of it on occasion. But I also am insatiably curious about lots of things, including people. 99% of the time, I still want to know more about the person. I know that people have lots of facets and layers, and figuring those out is FUN for me. I enjoy learning about people. And I know there are other people out there who are the same way, but not enough. The world would be a lot better off if more people could take the time and initiative to take a second glance.
Next time you meet someone, don’t dismiss them because of appearance or how they’re behaving in one type of situation. Take the time. Look deeper. Search for common ground.
You’ll be surprised at what you find.
Good advice and an intriguing story!
Reaching out to others, probing beyond the surface, or acting inclusively presupposes a person is secure in themselves.
Religious and other group affiliations can help insecure folks with this process but, to be natural, the individual needs a solid self-sense.
I’m very introverted in the smallest groups, Baha’i or otherwise, and become more extroverted as the size of the group expands–used to do stage work…
~ Alex from Our Evolution
By: amzolt on October 13, 2008
at 5:08 pm
“Reaching out to others, probing beyond the surface, or acting inclusively presupposes a person is secure in themselves.”
I find that this, while a very perceptive point, isn’t always true, though. I’m not terribly secure in myself. I still struggle often with a lot of self-doubt or lack of self-worth, and I still find myself trying to learn more about others. I used to be so painfully shy, and still am, but I’ve discovered that I also have a tendency to force myself to be more open and extroverted around people. I’m not positive, but I’m reasonably sure that it’s as a way to get to know people so that I’m more at ease…kind of a defense mechanism, I suppose. =) If I know them, I’m more comfortable and more likely to be extroverted and myself.
By: Sierra on October 13, 2008
at 5:42 pm