The monarchs are migrating south right now…
This means that I get to see these beautiful orange creatures flitting past me on campus quite often. Today, though, I saw one while driving, and the image really stuck with me.
The wind was carrying a yellowed leaf across the road, and this monarch was escorting it…dancing with it through my path…twisting, turning, tumbling…I wondered if the butterfly had at first thought the leaf was another butterfly extending an invitation to join it, only to discover that it was merely a chance breeze that gave it the semblance of life.
I feel like that a lot lately, when it comes to finding love. I see brief glimpses of possibilities or hope, only to discover a moment later that they are really only decaying leaves…
There are flickers or sparks, but they pass, crumbling to dust as soon as I look at them, empty within the shells. I’m always left in the air as that leaf glides to the pavement…and I’m still alone.
Theresa told me that she worries, that she thinks I believe myself unlovable. On some level, I think she’s right. After Sam…well, to be honest, after my life, I feel like as soon as someone sees all of me, including the damaged parts, they want nothing more from me. I feel as though the baggage I carry makes it impossible for anyone to truly love me and accept me, despite it all. Not as someone to spend their life with…
Last night, Vargha (a Baha’i friend) said something about how “baggage defines who we are.”
I don’t like my definition so much sometimes…
>Last night, Vargha (a Baha’i friend) said something about how “baggage defines who we are.”
>I don’t like my definition so much sometimes…
*If* what your friend said is true. We all have things we struggle with, things we’re ashamed of … Just because we might not see it in another person, or might not think it’s as “serious” as certain other things, that doesn’t make it less serious or less important to the person who’s dealing with it in themselves.
But I’m not convinced that your friend’s notion, as presented here, is entirely true. I think it can be, certainly … if we let it be. But isn’t each new day, each moment, a chance to start fresh if we want to? Our past experiences will always be a part of us, yes, and we should certainly try to learn from them as much as we can … but do they need to dictate our present and future? I don’t happen to think so.
And where in his statement is there room for the power of forgiveness? Or of love, the kind of love that sees failings honestly and loves anyway–and maybe works to help us improve in the areas in which we may be weak? Where is faith in that statement, belief in our fundamental worth and in our redeemability–or, rather, in the ability of God to redeem us when we fall? Where, finally, is hope?
Sorry, but I don’t particularly like or agree with your friend’s thought on that–unless there’s more to what he said.
By: Theresa on October 14, 2008
at 9:40 am
Hey, I wanted to add that I’m sorry if my earlier comment came across sounding harsh. I didn’t mean to sound like I was attacking your friend for what he said–I actually wouldn’t care what he’d said, except that it seems to be playing into your looking down right now, when you have every reason to be looking up.
By: Theresa on October 14, 2008
at 2:12 pm
(Also, my point in the first paragraph is that anyone you meet has issues of their own, and therefore might not be judging you as harshly as you fear.)
I don’t judge you because of who you used to be; that’s not what friendship is. I love who you have been and who you are. But I do worry that it sounds like you’re letting your “baggage” pull you down right now.
By: Theresa on October 14, 2008
at 2:16 pm
Actually, I completely agree with him, mostly because of my own experiences. Let me see if I can explain his intention a bit better…(and I know you didn’t mean to be harsh…I like your protective side.)
Baggage, also known as past experiences, shapes how we perceive the world. It’s important to everyone, and just because a person has baggage doesn’t mean that that’s necessarily a bad thing. Yes, each day is a fresh start and a new chance to learn, but we learn based on our past experiences. They don’t dictate our past of future, but they are a part of them. We can choose how we react to to situations, but we choose based on things in our past.
There is always room for forgiveness, for growth, for hope. Our conversation that evening actually hinged on that.
Basically, his statement was meant to express the first paragraph of your reply. I was down that evening, and he noticed. He said I looked tired and I said yes, but that it was emotional exhaustion, not physical. I said that I was regretting past mistakes, and he told me not to. Told me that there’s no point, that we are forgiven and learn and move past them, that regret doesn’t help us. I said something about the baggage I had, and he said that we all have baggage, that baggage defines who we are and isn’t necessarily a bad thing. He was trying to counteract the guilt that weighed on my shoulders, but my mood didn’t take to it too well. His entire point was basically your entire point. Don’t blame him for my refusal to cheer up, okay? He’s a nice guy, and he understands what it’s like to have trouble letting go of things.
I responded with the last line in this post, and we kept talking. It helped a little, but I still don’t like who I’ve become sometimes. I’m bitter and sarcastic and distrustful and have so many walls up that I’m surprised I can still move. I cut myself off from people as soon as they get close enough that they could possibly hurt me. What I meant by my reaction is that I don’t like how I’ve LET myself be defined, how I’ve reacted to my baggage. And that, in itself, is yet another carry-on added to the pile. *sigh*
I’m working on it. It’s just very hard and tiring, and feeling as alone as I do makes it hard for me to focus on other things. I know I can do things on my own, can live a happy healthy life without a partner…I’m really tired of it, you know? I feel listless and withdrawn sometimes, and occasionally find myself playing the “anywhere but here” game in my head. Loneliness really really sucks.
By: Sierra on October 14, 2008
at 2:30 pm
I wish more sites had the option to edit comments; then I wouldn’t have had to comment three different times.
I need to think more about what you’ve said, but my initial reaction is first of all that I’m glad your friend didn’t mean that the way it sounded. Taken in isolation, that single line sounded like a very despairing and disempowered way to look at life. And the term “baggage” (when referring to past experiences) almost always carries a negative connotation.
I’m sorry to hear that you’re feeling this way, and I hope things will start going better for you.
Love you!
By: Theresa on October 15, 2008
at 2:50 pm