Ever since Sam, I’ve been trying to avoid developing feelings for guys. At least, feelings that go above and beyond friendly. I haven’t wanted that attachment, that risk, that chance to be hurt again. I guess I don’t have the faith yet that falling for someone won’t end in heartache necessarily. I want to find someone someday, but my pattern has been (so far) to fall for guys who don’t return the sentiment.

Recently I’ve started to hang out with old friends, including some guys. I felt pulled towards two of them, but I couldn’t tell in what capacity. So I spent time with them, learned more about them, all that jazz. I love hanging out with both of them, I love talking with both of them, and I think I’m developing feelings for one. Falling a little. I’m nowhere near loving him, but I find myself interested in what possibilities could be there.

Falling just scares me…TERRIFIES me. Especially when I don’t believe that there is anything more than friendly on his end. I mean, I can’t read signals. I always assume they’re not going to be there, so I miss them…I don’t know.

So I began praying for help and guidance, mostly for help in reversing the process. I enjoy his friendship and I don’t want to lose it to awkwardness from this crap.

The day after this prayer-fest, my weekend becomes full of these amazing married couples, telling the stories of how they met and how to know if someone is right for you and everything. I think that almost every couple I spent time with this weekend either had a relatively quick courtship or a amazing/inspiring one, or both.

Little eerie. 

I mean, what am I supposed to think about that? It almost felt like a big fat neon sign.

I just don’t know what it was saying…I could interpret it a couple of ways. *sigh* More prayer in my future, I suppose.